Shit… Happens
That was a long period of turmoil for me. The longest I have ever been as far as I care.
I doubt that anyone reads those stuff anyways, but just to be straight with anyone that might read it, i can only say that I’m not ready yet to come back.
It has been a shitty month, everything go awry, and I can’t tell if I’ve passed the storm yet, or if this is just a little sunny break.
The worst thing that can happen to someone who thinks that he is stable enough, one that has accepted that he will be gloomy and just below the average happiness rating, is giving him hope, and then CRASH this hope to tiny little pieces (yes, even in this medium of anonymity, even in this age of globalization and total invasion of privacy (either willingly or unwillingly), some things MUST and WILL remain personal, and so I’ll dwell on what that was no more). And thus a period of self-pity and self-loathing started. I had also some exams at that period that I shouldn’t fail no matter what. Well… you can guess right? I dedicated all my time in writing self-pitying and self-loathing pieces of either poetry or short stories, thus leaving me with no time to study, thus failing them. Of course, this only helped to lower my self esteem even more…
BUT as in my title: Sit happens. If one choses to dwell to much on his own misery… then he deserves it. I chose to move forward.
I decided NOT to show in public any of those pieces, I don’t think they represent me. I want to believe that all this is over now and that i can fight sorrows with happiness. I’ll just post here my last piece of those poems, and this only because it was the last. I promised this to myself, and this is the greater vow one can make. The fact and reason why I’ll post it, is evident in the finale of the poem.
I hope you’ll enjoy it.
Blissful Catatonia
Sun rises and sun sets.
A day passes, life’s hollowed nets
through me, harmlessly pass
incapable my heart to catch.
Eyelids lazily half-open.
My mind I wonder if it’s rotten.
In catatonic existence I’ll live.
My soul in emptiness I’ll leave.
Amusement I’ll find in day’s turmoil;
anxiety my insides won’t boil.
For hopes and dreams long now I’ve killed;
my life in emptiness I’ve willed.
Love’s arrows in armor halt.
Easily I evade happiness’ mad cult.
Pain and agony now only miss;
in apathy I find bliss
And as I watch her strolling by,
my cheek I sense that isn’t dry.
Air’s moisture I know it is,
not pained tears, nor happy kiss.
Yet I know that I’ve just lied.
My throat I bless for the knot I’ve tied.
Faithfully the words, imprissoned keep,
my apathy’s valiant, last, keep.
My frantic beat to calm down I’ll force,
again to achieve the bliss I’ve lost
through a bloodstained razor in an empty bath.
Yet, in my eyes flash your perfect laugh.
Sun rises and water drips.
A smile I force to my strained lips.
And as from sleep’s hazy fog I wake,
in my mind, anxiously, brilliant thoughts I make.
My morning routine: a vicious battle.
Consciously choosing life’s chaotic shuffle.
The bliss with smiles I’ll keep away,
as long as I hear her laugh every day.
Rebirth In Darkness 